Marcie "Mom" Glanzer Column: #36

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

It is once again time for me to spout off about a stupid, random subject and the lucky object of my ridicule today is the commercial.  You can’t watch a half hour TV program without being bomblasted with 14 minutes of commercials, some good, most bad, but we all have our favorites and our most despised of the bunch.  That is my topic of the day.  I tend to be very critical of advertising.  Some people, like my husband, just ignore an ad they don’t care for…I, on the other hand, rip it to shreds, analyzing the very core of its being.  An example:  this was an ad that was on the radio (a local ad) last summer.  It drove me to distraction and whenever I heard it, instead of turning it down or changing the station, I recited the ad verbatim.  It had to do with an air conditioning business.  The premise was that your AC didn’t work and you got a case of the hot and sticky crabbies (which bugged me right there, the way they worded that), but then the announcer, a young woman said “let me tell you what to do”…she didn’t just say it, she paused after each word…Let-me-tell-you-what-to-do…I can just see how it all came about.  She was new to the radio station at that time and I imagine it was her very first advertisement.  On rehearsing it, she maybe rushed through that part and was told to slow it down, and by God, she listened!!

It was the MOST annoying ad, but I became obsessed with it.  Whenever it came on I would shout, “Oh no…here’s that ad…listen to this!!”  then I would proceed to say it right along with her “let-me-tell-you-what-to-do” exaggerating it even more than necessary…Finally Dick hollered at me to shut up.  He was sick of me constantly berating the ad, even though I’m sure it irked him, too.   This same radio station has some real stinkers, some of which are set to music.  I understand that their budgets are probably quite small and that to pay for an ad, pay for someone to write and sing a song and record everything gets spendy, but please people…can’t you come up with something better?  Here’s my favorite of all the ads on this station.  It is promoting the hospital in Watertown, Prairie Lakes Health Care.  If only you could hear the tune that goes along with this so-called jingle.  These are the words and they are sung to a tuneless, random melody that is so bad, that I had to memorize it just so I could repeat it to others and get their take on it. 

“It takes local talent to achieve national recognition, for a vision and compassion, technology and innovation; we are one of the top 100 hospitals in the nation…personal care, progressive medicine, Prairie Lakes Health Care System.”  The words don’t rhyme, there is no rhythm, the tune is pathetic and it sounds like it was thrown together in 3 minutes.  If you ever see me in person, I’ll be glad to sing it (even though my singing sucks) just so you can experience this for yourself. 

Now, mind you, not all local ads are bad.  In fact, I have a new, all-time favorite ad ever in the world and it just so happens to be a local ad.  It was shown during the afternoon and I only caught it one time, but it stayed with me.  It was humorous, got the message across and I remember exactly who sponsored the ad, which is the mark of great advertising.  It goes like this.

A young boy hollers to his mother “Hey, Mom…Toby learned a new trick!”  The mother turns to see the family dog, a larger breed such as a Labrador, dragging his ass along their carpet.   She screams out “Toby, NOOOOOO!!!”  Then the music starts right in for Stanley Steamer Carpet Cleaner.  The look on the dog’s face is what really makes me laugh…he’s got this look of utter bliss as he relieves the itching in his anal area on the family’s carpet…this is just too priceless!  Anyone who has ever owned a dog knows how the mother feels. 

Another local ad that deserves a bit of praise is from a body shop.  The commercial starts out with a man going off the road in his car due to the massive amounts of snow.  Along comes a snowplow and the man stands out in the road, waving the driver down.  At last, help has come, he thinks.  The man driving the snowplow takes a look at the stranded motorist and suddenly he recognizes him as the bully that used to pummel him when they were younger, so he plows right into the car, smashing it to bits.  I normally wouldn’t pay much attention to a body shop ad, but this one makes me laugh whenever it comes on, which is what a good commercial should do…grab our attention and make us remember what the ad was for. 

Now for a really awful ad…that one for the toenail fungus ointment…it makes me sick to see that toenail being pried up and this fungus going underneath it.  Not something you want to watch while eating a meal.  Another stupid one is with the mother from the Brady Bunch show, Florence Henderson.  She is wearing a leotard styled like a tuxedo and she dances all over the stage with men in tuxedos singing about Polident Overnight.  Her singing sucks and I think about all the hours she rehearsed and practiced the choreography, how many suits they had to purchase and for what?  Just because she danced around and sang poorly doesn’t convince me that her denture cleanser works.  Why couldn’t she just tell how it cleaned her dentures?   And what about Billy Mays…need I say more?   His screaming makes me not want to buy anything he advertises.  I dislike that little British boy that says “Zoom, Zoom, Zoom” too.  Does that mean that I should buy that car simply because this little boy thinks it goes fast?  It didn’t tell me anything about the quality or gas mileage; it didn’t inform me on any facet of the car.  All it did was annoy me.   I think the major advertising executives have study groups that preview the ads before going on air.  It amazes me to think that so many commercials get the OK when there are so few that are worthy.  The ads with the cavemen were sort of comical the first few times, but to actually make a sitcom about them?  I don’t see it succeeding.

There is one commercial on the national level that I think is so cute.  It has a bulldog standing there when its owners open the front door.  They have brought home a little, adorable bulldog puppy and the older one sits there staring at it.  Then it nudges its chew toy towards the puppy who happily takes off with it, so they go to pet smart to get another one.  How cute!!  And another Pet Smart commercial with the little dachshund (sp?) who drags his toy around so much that it is disgustingly dirty, then goes to the store for a new one is good, too.  I’m beginning to see a trend here…anything with dogs in it is a good commercial.   I should pass that on to the top execs at the ad companies.    I know I should stop right now, but I can’t end without putting in my two cents worth about Paul Harvey.  I like to listen to his radio show, and enjoy the commentary for the most part, but his commercials are really irritating.  One of his sponsors is Citracal calcium supplement.  When he promotes this product I swear he says the name 20 times per ad.  Yes, I get it…the more he says it, the more likely we’ll remember it when we go to the store.  However, enough is enough.  He over enunciates the word…CIT RA CAL…Cit as in citrus, cal as in calcium…Citracal…someday I’m going to count how many times he really says it.  And he loves his sleep number bed…anyone who still sleeps on a regular mattress is so stupid and behind the times.  He chuckles as if almost unable to believe anyone is so mindless as to still be sleeping on wire coils.  Well Paul…I hate to say it, but not everyone earns as much money as you do.  Not everyone can afford to spend $2000 on a bed that fills with air.  Is it a good bed?  Undoubtedly…Is it comfy?  You bet!  Do I have thousands lying around to throw away on a bed that I might decide I don’t really like?  Hell, no…so don’t make me feel like a moron for sleeping on a regular, old-fashioned mattress.  Another add he does is for Cambria quartz countertops.  I’m totally sure they are beautiful and would make any kitchen look marvelous.  However, there is that tiny matter of money…Paul had an add at one time where his ploy was this…”your husband is going hunting this weekend, why don’t you get a new countertop?” and he went on to extol the virtues of Cambria.  Oh, sure, Paul…and the birds won’t be the only thing my husband will shoot when he gets home and finds out I’ve spent $12,000 on new countertops.  Not everybody can afford it, so quit making me feel like a failure just because I have laminate countertops!!! Whew…there…I feel so much better already.  I’m getting calmed down enough to go prepare supper on my cheap countertops, clean dog feces out of the carpet and then lay down on my pathetic, coil mattress. 



 

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There was a time a number of years ago when I wanted ryanglanzer.com to feature dozens of columnists, and for a while, there were about ten or so. 

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