Marcie "Mom" Glanzer's Column
Sunday, June 18, 2006
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"Bad for Me"
Certainly, you’ve all heard the expression, “Rules are made to be broken”, and I
was thinking the other day of all the things I do that someone somewhere has
deemed bad or unwise. Dangerous, even. The list got quite long and I decided to
try to remember some of them for a new column…here goes.
Let us start with food.
1. Raw Cookie Dough…now, honestly…who among us hasn’t stuck our
finger in a bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough and eaten a big glob of it? I
know...the experts say that raw eggs can cause salmonella poisoning, but I’ve
done it for nigh on 45 years and I’m still here to talk about it, so there! I
can remember many a time that the kids and I would mix up a batch of cookies and
never bake them…we would just keep dipping into the raw dough whenever a craving
struck.
2. Schwan’s Double Chocolate Brownie Frozen Yogurt…Yeah, it’s as
good as it sounds! The minute the Schwan’s man gets back in his truck, I’ve
opened the carton and started digging for the frozen brownie chunks, taking my
spoon and digging, as if for gold among the swirls of fudge and yogurt. And,
because it says “yogurt” on the carton, I can feel good about eating a healthy
treat!
3. Russell Stover’s Chocolates ...every year at Christmas time I
get several boxes of chocolates from my mail patrons. Usually, it’s my
favorites, Russell Stover’s milk chocolates. As much as I love this candy, there
are always a few bad apples in the bunch, so I will often take a bite out of a
chocolate, not care for the innards, and stick it back in the box. I know others
who stick a finger in, but I am not that crass. There is the added plus that it
deters others from even wanting to share the gift with me after I have
desecrated the candy.
4. Mediterranean Style Vegetables…Once again, a Schwan’s item.
This is a delicious (and may I add truly healthful) dish consisting of zucchini,
squash, green beans, peppers and other veggies combined and fresh frozen. I can
make an entire meal out of a serving of these vegetables, but to make them even
tastier I pour a bit of Hidden Valley Ranch Spicy dressing on top. They don’t
make this flavor of dressing in a low cal option, so it’s full fat dressing. I
justify it by figuring that the vegetables are so good for me that they tip the
scales in my favor.
5. Bottled Water…nothing bad here, but I have been using the same
bottle which was purchased back in January and refilling it with my own water. I
have heard that reusing these plastic bottles is dangerous for some unknown
reason, but, like the cookie dough, I’m still here.
Now let’s move on to things that are supposed to be bad for the health.
1. Sun Tans…every summer starts out with me trying to get a bit of
color in my wintry white pasty skin. I go out in the yard and mow for hours on
end with no sunscreen, and just to tempt fate a bit further, I use a tanning oil
specifically made for a dark tan. Absolutely the worst thing you can do for your
skin, I’m sure, but my theory is that fat legs are ugly, but fat white legs are
really ugly! My mom has a fit when she hears that I don’t use sunscreen, but
that’s the way it goes.
2. Tanning beds…I really don’t use a tanning bed on a regular
basis, but 3 years ago Dick and I did go to Cancun for a few days in the middle
of February and I had to do something about my non-tanned skin, so that was the
only answer. Sunless tanning creams may work OK, but I think they have a weird
smell, so I use them sparingly. That bed may have been a death sentence, but it
sure felt good on a cold winter’s day!
3. Mowing barefoot… Yes, I do realize that this is dangerous, but
I only do it while on the riding mower. Have you ever seen someone who has a
nice tan on their legs, but when they go barefoot they have an obvious white
line where their socks and shoes were? It looks really stupid, so I have to mow
with no shoes or socks on to even out the skin tones.
4. Mowing on a slant…This is warned against by experts and is even
stressed in the owners manual, but I have ditches to mow and if I can do some of
them on a riding mower, that’s what I’ll do. I did know a woman who tipped over
on a steep ditch and the mower fell on top of her and chopped her feet up.
Ouch!!! However, our mower stops the moment I rise out of the seat, so not much
chance of that happening to me. One interesting point though…yesterday I was
mowing in a ditch near the road and usually have to do most of it with a push
mower since our septic tank pumps out in that ditch and there’s too much water.
The ditch was nearly dried out, though, so I plowed right through with my rider
and what looked dry really wasn’t. It was more like a swamp and the mud sucked
me in. Had to go get a tow from my husband.
5. Spraying weeds…one thing that really bugs me is spending hours
and hours mowing, trimming and all. The yard looks wonderful until the following
morning when 6 billion dandelions have sprouted all over. Every year I swear I
will take action, but this time I actually followed through. Dick had some
dandelion killer in the shop with directions on the back, so I bought a hand
held sprayer and set off on a mission. I can’t calculate too well, so I just
dumped a bunch into my sprayer and took off. I know it was more than was called
for, but I figured if a little is good, a lot must be better. I sprayed for
hours, pumping and refilling my sprayer with more and more poison. The breeze
sent it spraying back at my bare legs and feet and the dogs romped happily
through it, but so far, no adverse affects. Some of the dandelions have
disappeared, whether due to my spraying or just Mother Nature, I’m not sure, but
I did my part.
6. Ticks…if you have ever lived in the country, you most certainly
have encountered a wood tick. They are quite a nuisance and of course can carry
the deadly lyme disease. We get used to seeing them out here and if someone has
one embedded in their skin we just get a hold of it and yank it out. One time I
had an appointment with a dermatologist to remove a suspicious mole on my back
and when I went in for the procedure, the doctor found what he thought was the
mole, but then discovered it had legs! He happened to be from England and must
have never encountered a tick before, as he had to look up in a medical book how
to remove it, had the entire staff come witness this, and even stuck the stupid
tick in my file. I told him to just pull it out, but OH NO….that’s WAY TOO
DANGEROUS!! Its head may be left behind! Bull. I’ve done it lots of times and
again, here I am!
7. Caffeine pills…as I’ve said in past columns, I drive a mail
route and get up fairly early 6 days a week, so becoming drowsy as I drive has
become a real problem. Not just an inconvenience, but a real danger to myself
and others as I have caught myself drifting to the ditch and nearly dozing off
lots of times. “Jet Alert Double Strength” to the rescue!! When I found this
cheap caffeine fix in K-Mart I snatched up a bottle of 90 tablets for only
$3.95. They have been a lifesaver, literally, as about 15 minutes after popping
one, my energy is renewed and I can remain alert for a few more hours. Any
expert will tell you this in unhealthy, but so is rolling a car or smashing
head-on into someone.
8. Silicone Ear Plugs…if you read my last column, you know that I
use these silicone ear plugs to help insure a sound night’s sleep. I shove them
deeply into the ear canal, against all package warnings and make sure there are
no openings. It has happened a few times that I can’t get ahold of the wax in
the morning to remove it. It has wedged too far down to retrieve it. In a bit of
a panic, I used a toothpick to poke into the wax and draw it out. I don’t even
want to think of what an ear doctor would say to that!!
Enough of danger, now my last and also my favorite thing to do that I know I
shouldn’t. Ryan will be able to attest to this one!!
Popping Zits! I don’t know for sure what it is about zits, but I
love popping them. And before you say I’m crazy, I know for a fact that lots of
people agree with me, whether they will admit it or not. It seems to be more a
female thing. And I won’t touch just anyone’s blemishes. I do have my standards!
My children were my main targets and poor Ryan was the ultimate one. He was
cursed with many outbreaks and he soon learned to recognize that evil glint in
my eyes when I would spot a good one! He would try to escape, but there was no
hope. Once I had my sights set on ridding him of a zit, he might just as well
take it like a man and get it over with. I realize that doctors will say, “Don’t
touch a pimple, let it heal on its own…it will leave scarring”. Well, since when
have I listened to doctors? Now that he’s older and my other 2 didn’t have many,
I’ve been in retirement. Guess I’ll have to take up a new hobby.
So, that’s it…I’m probably risking my life at every turn…going out in the sun,
eating too many sweets, whatever. But, when I die, I’ll be lying in my coffin
with a bronze glow, fat but tanned thighs and feet, cavities and a big smile on
my face!