Marcie "Mom" Glanzer's Column
Friday, June 9, 2006
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The Sounds of
Summer
I am a light sleeper. I believe that as soon as one becomes a mother, a
peaceful night’s sleep is a thing of the past. The slightest peep from the
baby’s crib will awaken a sleep-deprived woman who has been existing on the
stray hour or two here and there, while her partner sleeps on, blissfully
unaware that a screaming infant may be lying in bed right next to him. That
seems to be a trait all men have, or are very good at faking. I can recall
being exhausted at night, with 3 small children tucked away in their beds down
the hallway. One of them was bound to wake up and occasionally I would think,
“I’ll let Dick get up with them tonite” and lay there trying to block out the
wails and screams. Somehow, he seemed never to hear anything. In frustration I
would storm out of bed and tend to the brat myself. It doesn’t seem fair, but
that’s the way women are wired, I guess. Well, of course I don’t have any small
children anymore, but the ability to wake at the slightest sound hasn’t
diminished. In fact, I think it’s gotten worse over the years.
My husband, is still able to sleep undisturbed by outside noises. The trouble
with him is, he is usually the noise I try to block out. He began snoring about
10 years ago. I would lie in bed knowing that I had to be up early to go to
work, but unable to ignore the horrific sounds coming from 6 inches away. His
snores varied from night to night, but a typical one would raise the roof.
Imagine, if you will, a wild boar. Make it an angry, wild boar that a hunter
had just shot with an arrow and then caught in a net…oh, and add that the boar
is rabid. The boar at it’s wildest rantings is Dick’s intake of breath. Then
comes the exhale. It comes shooting out towards my face through his mouth and I
get a face full of morning breath (or maybe night breath), whatever…it’s not
good. So, I would have to take a pillow to use as a deflector shield so that
his bad breath would go back at him. Another snore is less violent, but no less
irritating. This one becomes a question…the intake sounds like he is asking,
“HUH???” then the stale exhale…”HUH???”…exhale…”HUH???...exhale…you get the
idea. I got so paranoid about how little sleep I was getting, that I even
stayed awake when he wasn’t snoring, preparing for the minute it would start.
Many nights I would move out onto the couch, but that posed a few problems of
its’ own. First, there was no alarm clock out there so I may oversleep if I
ever get back to sleep. Secondly, the stupid cat we used to have would see me
and have to come over and purr and knead me with her clawless feet if I settled
on the couch. And lastly, I could still hear Dick snoring…the bedroom is right
next to the living room and even with the door shut, I could still hear him.
So, I usually toughed it out. I would stay in our bed, but would push, kick,
threaten, push some more. All things that were temporary fixes. 10 seconds
after rousing him from a bone rattling snore, he would be back at it, firing his
breath at me and snoring louder than ever.
My dad saved me!!! He knew about the snoring dilemma because he snored just as
badly if not worse. and my mom had complained about him for years. One day he
was in K-mart and happened upon some silicone ear plugs. They come with 10 in a
package and are soft and waxy. The instructions say to place them outside the
ear, but to hell with that. I take them and roll them into an ice cream cone
shape and shove them way inside the ear canal. I make sure all openings are
completely blocked and, voila!!!! I can sleep! I can sleep through the wild,
rabid boar…I can sleep through the questioning “HUH?” I sleep through phone
calls, kids coming home late at night, Dick’s flatulence, dogs barking. It is a
miracle! It has become a habit to automatically put them in at night, whether
he’s snoring or not, and now I can’t sleep without them.
With summer upon us, there are more noises than ever. I usually get up around
5AM, but this morning I thought I may just go back to bed for a few minutes. I
had taken my earplugs out and climbed back into bed, but there was to be no
sleep. Evidentally, a mother condor and her babies have made a nest above our
open bedroom window and the baby condors were hungry. Next, with the sun
beginning to come over the horizon, a fly, only slightly smaller than a Cessna,
began it’s flight around the room. What exactly is a fly looking for when he
buzzes all around like that? Does anyone know? Is it food? Is it a good
nesting place? Is it warmth? I figured, why bother trying to catch a few more
winks, and got out of bed and decided to write this. I promised Ryan a new
column and it will save my sanity in the long run.