Marcie Glanzer Column

Thursday, October 20, 2005

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Marcie Glanzer's column is up for a Big in 2005 Award.In an effort to assuage all my fans (I didn’t know I had any until Ryan e-mailed me saying several had requested a new column!) I will quickly jot out a column before heading off to work…after several seconds of thought, I decided that most of the readers of Ryan’s website are in their early twenties, soon to embark on serious relationships that may result in offspring, which can be a trying time…I know, as I raised three brats of my own. When this time comes, you will find that nothing is as challenging as going for an extended car trip…with children. This may be only an hour in the car, but can seem like forever. As you probably know, we live on a farm which is basically out in the middle of nowhere so I had to devise some plans to entertain the young’uns while traveling to our destination. Usually this was just a trip to Huron to get groceries, but even that was 45 minutes of driving. One thing we did before setting off was to estimate our time of arrival at a certain point, perhaps the “Welcome to Huron” sign on the north edge of town. Each of us would give our best guess down to the minute as to when we would get to that sign. Ryan and Jordan would be pretty accurate, but poor Alex would throw out a time that would never win. For example, say it was 10:15 when we were leaving, Ryan would say “I think it will be 11:02”, and Jordan may say “10:59,” but Alex, not knowing anything about time, would say “6:22”. He rarely won. Anyway, the winner got to pick where we ate. This sounds pretty simple until you factor in that Ryan wouldn’t eat pizza or tacos, which is what Jordan or Alex would choose and a big fight would ensue. This was in the days before seatbelts were mandatory, so a lot of punching and kicking could be done when not tethered down. Sometimes I would purposely drive a bit faster or slow down a bit just so Ryan would win and a tantrum was diverted.

The drive home could be even more boisterous, since there was no promise of a new toy to bribe good behavior out of the children. For some ungodly reason, Ryan and Jordan had developed a fixation on the “Gumby and Pokey” show. Every afternoon they would be glued to the TV at 4PM for their latest fix. This bendable character took precedence over everything and if we weren’t home when the 4 o’clock hour was approaching, they became nearly hysterical. Hence, my next “don’t bug me” maneuver. I would be driving at a steady 65 mph, but it never seemed fast enough to them. “Hurry up, we’re going to miss Gumby,” they would plead. “Go faster!!” I outsmarted them, though, and said that every time I heard them complain I would slow down. This would make them even more upset and again they would yell “Go faster!” “What was that?” I would reply. “Did I hear more complaining?” and I would slow down even more. They decided to try reverse psychology on me and would say, “Oh, I like to go slow”…to which I would reply, “You do? Good, then I’ll slow down some more!” “NOOOO…we hate to go slow…hurry up! Go faster!” which would only cause me to go even slower. No matter what they said it ended up making the car go slower and slower until we were nearly standing still. Mind you, this was on a rural highway with no traffic… don’t try this on a busy interstate or 41st street in Sioux Falls. Messing with children’s heads is such fun!

I also must include a favorite that is especially appropriate with Halloween just around the corner. We would drive by a cemetery that was in a churchyard en route home and I always told the kids that they had to be absolutely silent as we passed the graveyard, otherwise the dead people would get very upset and come after us. They immediately settled down and tried not to make a peep, but just as we got close I would lay on the horn and start screaming, “Oh my God!!! They are coming after us!!! Zombies and skeletons are chasing our car!!” The youngsters were too frightened to look out the window. They would just scream and yell for me to speed up and get out of there… which of course, led me to slow down as the previous paragraph explained. Now, before you have me committed, I do believe that they knew there were no ghosts coming after us… it was just good, clean, fun!

As the years progressed, so did our games. One that is still a favorite was the “Would You Rather” game. One person presented the other with a choice of two or three preferences and you had to answer as to which you would rather do. Usually, it started off innocently enough. Maybe I would ask Ryan “Would you rather jump off the water tower or run naked through the neighbor’s rosebushes?” But after a few rounds things got raunchier and grosser. It evolved into queries such as “Would you rather French kiss George Bush after he ate a peanut butter sandwich, or chew on his toenail that has fungus under it after he has run five miles in sweaty shoes?” By the end of the game, we were either wetting our pants laughing, or preparing to throw up.

These are just a few of the ways that time can be passed with youngsters in tow. You may want to print this out and keep it in your glove compartment for future reference. It is all honest to goodness fun, and it didn’t harm anybody. After all, you don’t see Ryan being warped or strange as a result of his upbringing, do you? Well, on second thought, maybe you had better forget everything you just read! Let me know if you have any other parenting questions… chances are I’ll have an answer you won’t find in any Dr. Spock books!
 

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