Marcie Glanzer Column
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
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I
was perusing ads the other day and it struck me how irritating ad writers can be
as a holiday nears. They try to be clever to draw customers in, but it isn’t
clever at all…they try to use the upcoming holiday to put a spin on their
otherwise droll grocery ads featuring toilet paper, rump roasts and the like. An
example of this would be the ads that are out now with Halloween approaching.
“Spooktacular Savings!” or “Sales so Good They Are Scary”…stuff like that. At
Christmas we may find “A Blizzard of Savings!” or “Don’t Get Snowed in by High
Prices!” My all-time least favorite of these ads is the Easter Season when they
all use any word that begins with “ex” and turn it into “egg” like “Eggstra Big
Savings” or “An Eggstravaganza of Bargains!” The first time someone came up with
the idea, maybe it was cute, but that was probably in the 1950’s, so it’s time
has come and gone.
I was thinking about this the other day and thought “What if they used a totally
different approach, with headlines nobody would ever think of trying”, and my
mind conjured up the following: (Now, keep in mind, I don’t talk this way)
“BIGGEST F_CKING SALE OF THE YEAR!! GET YOUR ASSES DOWN HERE FOR THIS AWESOME
MOTHER F_CKING BLOWOUT!! THOSE OTHER BASTARDS CAN’T MATCH OUR PRICES…OUR SHIT
ROCKS, MAN!”
Now, wouldn’t that catch your eye? I think I’d go to the sale just to see what
kind of things they had. I don’t suppose any newspaper would print it, but I do
think it’s time to update the advertising world.
I think I would be a good person to have in an ad agency. I am a run-of-the-mill
woman in my mid-forties, not rich, and I think I represent Middle America. So
many commercials anger me, and as a result I’m always saying, “I will never buy
that product just because of this stupid commercial.” I know, I’m repeating
myself from an earlier column in which I spouted off my pet peeves, but I watch
a lot of TV, so that’s what I know. One thing in particular is an ad usually
directed at women since it concerns a children’s medication. The mother in the
commercial will be wearing a worried expression and talks directly to the
camera, as if we are good friends and we are sharing our deepest thoughts. She
won’t say “my son had a terrible fever last night.” Instead, she uses the brat’s
name in order to make us feel we are really a part of her life. It will be “Todd
had such a high fever last night; Ken got him some pain reliever at the store,
but Todd’s fever didn’t go down.” (Still worried expression) (Now her face
breaks into a relieved smile as she says), “That’s when I brought out the
Motrin! Todd is back in the soccer game!” The camera turns and catches Todd as
he kicks a goal and wins the game for the Gophers! Yeah, right...like maybe Todd
should have stayed home after his horrible illness instead of infecting all the
boys on the team. And why didn’t she just tell Ken to buy Motrin in the first
place?
Now on to something a bit different. I read with interest, Amanda’s story of the
lady who came into Dairy Queen and ate off the pen/spoon and it reminded me of
something really gross that I saw not too long ago. (By the way, I was in the
dentists’ office last week and they taped a toothbrush to their pen…hope that
lady from Madison doesn’t go there!) Anyway, my husband, Dick, and I were in
Watertown and had stopped at Hy-Vee to get groceries. We parked the pickup right
beside a man who was preparing to leave, but before he could head home he felt
it was necessary to stand beside his vehicle, plug one nostril and blow snot all
over the parking lot. Then he plugged the other nostril and blew that one clean.
I about puked! Maybe, MAYBE, you could do this at home on your own property with
nobody around to see…I still wouldn’t, but whatever. But on public property with
people milling about, and to make it worse…this was when it was still warm
enough to wear shorts and I thought about all the little kids running around
barefoot, stepping in this guy’s mucous. Another quick gross-out story…every
year around Christmas time, my mail patrons begin leaving me gifts in the
mailbox. I love getting boxes of Russell Stovers candy, bath soap, handmade
gifts and all. I also get homemade treats and usually enjoy them, but one day a
person, who shall remain nameless, had left me a plate of sweets. One was almond
bark with gumdrops in it, which I normally wouldn’t care for, but was hungry
enough that day to bite right in. Unfortunately, a big long hair came out with a
gumdrop and was wound through the almond bark. I stopped and spit and hacked
that hair up…to this day I can’t eat almond bark. Bear with me for just one more
disgusting tidbit. Someone else who shall remain nameless, but is an older man,
gave me a snack sized Kit Kat out of his shirt pocket. I like nothing better
than chocolate so I soon unwrapped it and bit in. It tasted just like body odor,
God only knows how long it had been in his shirt pocket! I gagged and swished
pop around in my mouth and vowed never to take candy from an old man again!
Maybe the lesson in this is that I really don’t need to eat candy. Screw that!