A very special day is fast approaching…no, I am not referring
to Christmas, or New Year’s Eve or even my birthday (which was
Nov.19th for those of you who still want to remember me with a
gift!) No…the day of which I speak is December 20th, our wedding
anniversary. This will be year #26 for Dick and me, and I have to
tell you, I’m pretty impressed with that. I have been hearing
lately, of so many Hollywood divorces, that it sickens me. I would
like to physically slap some of those stupid people who get married
and two months later are filing for divorce. What were they
thinking? Why did they waste the time, not to mention all the
millions they throw away on mind blowing ceremonies that are nothing
but a farce??!
It was obvious when Brittany Spears married that ass, Kevin
Federline, that a short marriage was inevitable, and of course, the
ditziest one in my opinion, Tori Spelling. She spent 21 million
dollars and it lasted like one year…what a moron! No wonder her Dad
keeled over. Add to the list, Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown,
Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock (they both need a good swift kick),
Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe, Chris Rock and his wife, Kate
Hudson and Chris Robinson, Alec Baldwin, Carmen Electra, Christie
Brinkley, Victoria Principal, Paul McCartney, Gillian Anderson, Matt
LaBlanc, Heather Locklear, Hilary Swank, Jessica Simpson and Nick
Lachey, Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen, Tom Cruise and Katie
Holmes…Oh wait…that hasn’t been announced yet. Well, I’ll give them
another week or two ….I realize these people have more pressures
than the normal guy, but really, what are they thinking when they
walk down the aisle?? It’s got to be more of a chance to throw a
really cool party and get your picture in People magazine than a
true belief that they’ll spend the rest of their lives together.
George Clooney is scoffed at for his playboy ways, but at least he
has sense enough to know that he’d never be able to make a marriage
work.
When Dick and I got married, I had just turned 19 and he had just
turned 20. We thought we were pretty smart….why wait? So, off to the
church we went. It was a very small wedding, just our families since
a fancy dress and all the trimmings weren’t my style. Add to that
the fact that neither of our families had much money and in lieu of
a ritzy wedding offered us some cold, hard cash to buy some much
needed furniture and appliances. That was more to my liking, and so
we had a family wedding, no honeymoon and began our married lives.
Was it always fun? Was it always exciting? Was it always romantic?
Heck,no!!! In fact, it hardly ever is any of those things, and I
guess that must be where the Hollywood people decide it’s not worth
working at. I have come to the conclusion that where you are from
makes a big difference in your mindset. I have always lived in the
Midwest…actually I’ve always lived within a 30 mile radius of my
house, so I am truly a Midwesterner, as is Dick. I thought about
couples that we are friends with and thought it was interesting that
with a 50% divorce rate among all couples, not one of these couples
has been through a divorce! What is the difference between us and
all the rest of the nation? Well, I think we have different values
here. Nobody around here has a lot of money, so we don’t really
expect fancy, expensive things. Most of us grew up without going to
lavish parties or flying around the world. Our expectations are
lower, so we’re not disappointed when we don’t have much. We never
thought we would in the first place. People had such a fit when gays
wanted to get married…they feared it would make a mockery of
marriage…maybe they should be protesting the rich and famous getting
married. I’d put my money on a gay couple over a Hollywood couple
any day!
Now, I imagine you’re wondering what the secret to a long and happy
marriage is…you think that perhaps, since we have been able to
remain intact for 26 years that I may know that elusive thing that
others haven’t been able to grasp. Well, I don’t. I think it’s a
matter of being able to overlook the irritating things your partner
does and keep your mouth shut a lot.
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Has Dick ever provoked me to
anger, you ask? As a matter of fact, yes…a few times over the years.
One particular event stands out in my mind. It was quite a few years
ago when he still played pool (or was it bowling?) Well, whichever
it was, he came home in the wee hours of the morning, stumbling and
drunk as a skunk. I didn’t appreciate this for several reasons. (1)
He smelled like a brewery and an ashtray (2) When he drinks, he
snores horribly (3) He woke me up from a sound sleep and I had to
get up early the next morning (4) He puked in the bed…yes, you read
it correctly…he threw up right in our bed. And to top if off, it was
technically Valentine’s Day. I was not amused. I wasn’t about to
clean it up, so I stormed off to lie on the couch. As I lay there
fuming, he peacefully dozed off to dreamland and began his
roof-raising snoring…I had to be up in approximately 3 hours and I
was so furious that sleep was not to be. Instead, I got up and wrote
him a Valentines poem about how other women got roses and jewelry on
this special day, and what did I get? Vomit…It wasn’t very nice, but
I’ll have to admit, it was clever and I left it hanging on the
refrigerator where he’d be sure to see it when his hangover allowed
his eyes to once again focus. I found it crumpled in the trash
later. I guess he didn’t appreciate my way with words. I will give
him credit, though. I don’t think he ever puked in our bed after
that.
Have I ever done anything to upset him? As hard as it is to imagine,
yes…I think I have. An incident that stands out came about soon
after he had purchased his very first ever brand new vehicle. A ’93
Chevrolet pickup. We had always had used vehicles before this (and
have since) so this was his pride and joy. One hot, summer day, Alex
and I went to Huron with the pickup and stopped at Dairy Queen to
get a treat. Alex decided on a cherry slush and off we went on our
merry way. We got home and unloaded the pickup, carrying groceries
in the house and I guess he forgot about his slush which was sitting
in the cup holder. The hot sun did its job and over the next day or
so, the slush ate its way through the paper cup and leaked out all
over the pale gray carpet of that new pickup. Did Dick see the humor
in it? No…I guess there was no humor in it. He stormed into the
house and told me to get out and clean that red &*&**$$ out of the
carpet and don’t come back in until the stain is gone. Yikes!! I
sheepishly hurried out, brandishing several cleansers that I hoped
(and prayed) would do the trick. I tried carpet cleaner, dish soap,
Mr. Clean…you name it, I tried it with no success. That stupid red
circle wasn’t budging. That’s when I got a great idea! BLEACH!!
Bleach would get that stain out!! Why didn’t I think of that in the
first place! I ran back in and got a bottle of bleach and a
toothbrush. I poured a small amount of bleach into the cap of the
bottle, dipped my toothbrush in and began to scrub. Hmmmm….it didn’t
seem to be working. “I’d better use a bit more,” I reasoned. Scrub,
scrub, scrub…still nothing. OK…I guess it’s going to take a good
amount, so I poured the capful right onto the stain. Nothing…stupid
bleach. Well, I had given it my best shot. What else could I do? I
went sulkily back into the house to face the music. The stain was
going to be there forever. I wish…the next day, Dick came into the
house fuming, steam spurting out every orifice. “What the %&)(&* did
you do? “ You ruined the whole *&^**& carpet!” I stood there
confused. What was he talking about? I went out to take a look and
lo and behold..the bleach HAD worked! I just hadn’t given it enough
time. The trouble was, it had bleached a large circle about the size
of a dinner plate, but left the red slush stain right in the middle!
OOOPS…
That, of course, was not the only time I made him mad, or vice
versa, but the lesson here is to take it all in stride. What is a
little red stain in the big scheme of things? And how hard was it to
clean a bed full of puke? These things are minor when you think of
wars and famine. As long as your mate isn’t beating you or running
around behind your back, learn to overlook their oddities and
faults. After all, if Dick were to divorce me every time I did
something stupid, we’d have never made it through the first week!
And if I couldn’t ignore his foul moods and insistence on balanced
checkbooks, I’d have left him years ago.
So, here’s a toast to us as we celebrate 26 years together…may we
have many more to come and may they be puke and slush free! |