Marcie "Mom" Glanzer Column

Last Updated 11/30/06

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"Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

A very special day is fast approaching…no, I am not referring to Christmas, or New Year’s Eve or even my birthday (which was Nov.19th for those of you who still want to remember me with a gift!) No…the day of which I speak is December 20th, our wedding anniversary. This will be year #26 for Dick and me, and I have to tell you, I’m pretty impressed with that. I have been hearing lately, of so many Hollywood divorces, that it sickens me. I would like to physically slap some of those stupid people who get married and two months later are filing for divorce. What were they thinking? Why did they waste the time, not to mention all the millions they throw away on mind blowing ceremonies that are nothing but a farce??!

It was obvious when Brittany Spears married that ass, Kevin Federline, that a short marriage was inevitable, and of course, the ditziest one in my opinion, Tori Spelling. She spent 21 million dollars and it lasted like one year…what a moron! No wonder her Dad keeled over. Add to the list, Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown, Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock (they both need a good swift kick), Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe, Chris Rock and his wife, Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson, Alec Baldwin, Carmen Electra, Christie Brinkley, Victoria Principal, Paul McCartney, Gillian Anderson, Matt LaBlanc, Heather Locklear, Hilary Swank, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes…Oh wait…that hasn’t been announced yet. Well, I’ll give them another week or two ….I realize these people have more pressures than the normal guy, but really, what are they thinking when they walk down the aisle?? It’s got to be more of a chance to throw a really cool party and get your picture in People magazine than a true belief that they’ll spend the rest of their lives together. George Clooney is scoffed at for his playboy ways, but at least he has sense enough to know that he’d never be able to make a marriage work.

When Dick and I got married, I had just turned 19 and he had just turned 20. We thought we were pretty smart….why wait? So, off to the church we went. It was a very small wedding, just our families since a fancy dress and all the trimmings weren’t my style. Add to that the fact that neither of our families had much money and in lieu of a ritzy wedding offered us some cold, hard cash to buy some much needed furniture and appliances. That was more to my liking, and so we had a family wedding, no honeymoon and began our married lives. Was it always fun? Was it always exciting? Was it always romantic? Heck,no!!! In fact, it hardly ever is any of those things, and I guess that must be where the Hollywood people decide it’s not worth working at. I have come to the conclusion that where you are from makes a big difference in your mindset. I have always lived in the Midwest…actually I’ve always lived within a 30 mile radius of my house, so I am truly a Midwesterner, as is Dick. I thought about couples that we are friends with and thought it was interesting that with a 50% divorce rate among all couples, not one of these couples has been through a divorce! What is the difference between us and all the rest of the nation? Well, I think we have different values here. Nobody around here has a lot of money, so we don’t really expect fancy, expensive things. Most of us grew up without going to lavish parties or flying around the world. Our expectations are lower, so we’re not disappointed when we don’t have much. We never thought we would in the first place. People had such a fit when gays wanted to get married…they feared it would make a mockery of marriage…maybe they should be protesting the rich and famous getting married. I’d put my money on a gay couple over a Hollywood couple any day!

Now, I imagine you’re wondering what the secret to a long and happy marriage is…you think that perhaps, since we have been able to remain intact for 26 years that I may know that elusive thing that others haven’t been able to grasp. Well, I don’t. I think it’s a matter of being able to overlook the irritating things your partner does and keep your mouth shut a lot.

 

Has Dick ever provoked me to anger, you ask? As a matter of fact, yes…a few times over the years. One particular event stands out in my mind. It was quite a few years ago when he still played pool (or was it bowling?) Well, whichever it was, he came home in the wee hours of the morning, stumbling and drunk as a skunk. I didn’t appreciate this for several reasons. (1) He smelled like a brewery and an ashtray (2) When he drinks, he snores horribly (3) He woke me up from a sound sleep and I had to get up early the next morning (4) He puked in the bed…yes, you read it correctly…he threw up right in our bed. And to top if off, it was technically Valentine’s Day. I was not amused. I wasn’t about to clean it up, so I stormed off to lie on the couch. As I lay there fuming, he peacefully dozed off to dreamland and began his roof-raising snoring…I had to be up in approximately 3 hours and I was so furious that sleep was not to be. Instead, I got up and wrote him a Valentines poem about how other women got roses and jewelry on this special day, and what did I get? Vomit…It wasn’t very nice, but I’ll have to admit, it was clever and I left it hanging on the refrigerator where he’d be sure to see it when his hangover allowed his eyes to once again focus. I found it crumpled in the trash later. I guess he didn’t appreciate my way with words. I will give him credit, though. I don’t think he ever puked in our bed after that.

Have I ever done anything to upset him? As hard as it is to imagine, yes…I think I have. An incident that stands out came about soon after he had purchased his very first ever brand new vehicle. A ’93 Chevrolet pickup. We had always had used vehicles before this (and have since) so this was his pride and joy. One hot, summer day, Alex and I went to Huron with the pickup and stopped at Dairy Queen to get a treat. Alex decided on a cherry slush and off we went on our merry way. We got home and unloaded the pickup, carrying groceries in the house and I guess he forgot about his slush which was sitting in the cup holder. The hot sun did its job and over the next day or so, the slush ate its way through the paper cup and leaked out all over the pale gray carpet of that new pickup. Did Dick see the humor in it? No…I guess there was no humor in it. He stormed into the house and told me to get out and clean that red &*&**$$ out of the carpet and don’t come back in until the stain is gone. Yikes!! I sheepishly hurried out, brandishing several cleansers that I hoped (and prayed) would do the trick. I tried carpet cleaner, dish soap, Mr. Clean…you name it, I tried it with no success. That stupid red circle wasn’t budging. That’s when I got a great idea! BLEACH!! Bleach would get that stain out!! Why didn’t I think of that in the first place! I ran back in and got a bottle of bleach and a toothbrush. I poured a small amount of bleach into the cap of the bottle, dipped my toothbrush in and began to scrub. Hmmmm….it didn’t seem to be working. “I’d better use a bit more,” I reasoned. Scrub, scrub, scrub…still nothing. OK…I guess it’s going to take a good amount, so I poured the capful right onto the stain. Nothing…stupid bleach. Well, I had given it my best shot. What else could I do? I went sulkily back into the house to face the music. The stain was going to be there forever. I wish…the next day, Dick came into the house fuming, steam spurting out every orifice. “What the %&)(&* did you do? “ You ruined the whole *&^**& carpet!” I stood there confused. What was he talking about? I went out to take a look and lo and behold..the bleach HAD worked! I just hadn’t given it enough time. The trouble was, it had bleached a large circle about the size of a dinner plate, but left the red slush stain right in the middle! OOOPS…

That, of course, was not the only time I made him mad, or vice versa, but the lesson here is to take it all in stride. What is a little red stain in the big scheme of things? And how hard was it to clean a bed full of puke? These things are minor when you think of wars and famine. As long as your mate isn’t beating you or running around behind your back, learn to overlook their oddities and faults. After all, if Dick were to divorce me every time I did something stupid, we’d have never made it through the first week! And if I couldn’t ignore his foul moods and insistence on balanced checkbooks, I’d have left him years ago.

So, here’s a toast to us as we celebrate 26 years together…may we have many more to come and may they be puke and slush free!

 

Ryan Trivia: I also claim to be most afraid of supernatural powers.  I won't even watch scary movies, otherwise I won't get to sleep for nights.