Awhile back, I reviewed one of my favorite
cable channels, The Food Network. I ranted about some of the shows
I disliked and their hosts, and praised a couple of my favorites,
like Paula Deen. As much as I like the Food Network, anyone in my
family can tell you the channel I am tuned into 90% of the time when
watching TV, is HGTV. A man’s nightmare (unless you’re gay or just
an exception). My husband HATES this channel, but since we have 4
televisions in different areas of the house, I can watch what I
like, and he can watch his favorites…things like CSI, House, and
Bonanza. As with the Food Network, I have my favorites and my not
so favorites, but I still tend to watch the ones I don’t really care
for, just because I have to see how irritating they can be.
The thing that really started my craze for decorating shows was a
program on the Discovery Channel quite a few years ago starring
Christopher Lowell. He was a flagrantly gay man who had a half hour
show wherein he demonstrated easy, inexpensive ways to decorate your
home. It was the first decorating show I had ever seen and I was
hooked!This is probably also where my husband developed his intense
dislike of this genre of program. Christopher Lowell would start
each show with absurd intros where he would dress like a baby and
wear a diaper and do baby talk, or maybe put on a woman’s dress and
makeup and make a fool of himself. Dick would catch a glimpse of
this and stalk out of the house in disgust, a trail of profanities
following in his wake. I agreed that this part of the show was
pathetic, but I still liked his ideas. Then we got a better cable
system and got HGTV and it was “Good-bye Christopher”. I don’t
think he has a show anymore, at least I don’t watch it. Now, every
afternoon when I get home from the mail route, I immediately turn on
the TV and run through my daily fix of decorating shows. Mind you,
I don’t sit glued to the screen…I am eating lunch, tidying up the
house, doing Ebay stuff, but always with HGTV on in the background.
Now, to give my criticisms:
The first show I’ll mention is probably my least favorite,
“Designing for the Sexes” in which a prissy Englishman comes into
these rich people’s homes and tries to settle decorating conflicts
between the man and the woman. As if that many men really give a
rat’s ass about the curtains or sofa. Anyway, Michael Payne is
there to make everything OK. He finds out what each wants from
their redo and then brings them to together through compromise. His
designs are alright, but on the conservative, boring side and he’s
such a prude. He has to wear a suit and tie and walks like he has a
corn cob stuck somewhere. When they go into a furniture store he’ll
show them three choices and inevitably the third is the perfect
one. It’s so rehearsed that it is sickening.
Next, is “Designer’s Challenge”…in this one a family is planning a
major design change to a room in their home, and three different
designers present their ideas…the family has to choose one of these
to do their remodel. It is hosted by the cheesy guy that also hosts
“The Bachelor” show, I can’t come up with his name, but trust me,
he’s cheesy. He’ll say, “Bob and Jennifer have set aside $95,000
for this bathroom makeover. These designers will be challenged to
stay within the budget…” I think to myself, “$95,000! I could
build a whole freaking house for that amount! Let me try…I can go
to Menard’s and find them a new toilet and shower and still have
enough left over for a trip around the world and a Cadillac for that
much money!” Rich people have no concept! And usually the room
they are hoping to redo is gorgeous and I’d take it in a split
second, just the way it is.
There are a couple of shows that try to fix up a room for someone on
a real budget. One of these is “Design on a Dime”. They have $1000
to spend on one room and have one day to do the makeover. There are
like three different teams that host this show. One team has a good
leader, Kristin Cunningham and her designs turn out pretty good, but
the rest…just know that if I gave complete control to these guys and
shelled out $1000 and came home to see palm tree leaves stuck to my
walls and teal paint and some of the other crap they come up with,
I’d be sick. Another show that is on this same theme is “Design
Remix” and in this show they try to use what the homeowners have and
not spend any money if they can help it. I am always amazed to see
that the homeowners just happen to have a bolt or two of fabric
hiding out in their basements and stacks of lumber in the porch. (I
have a sneaking suspicion that some of this is staged…) but my real
complaint about this show is the woman who hosts it. Do you see a
pattern here? She is really thin and knows it and flaunts it all
over, and you can tell she has practiced looking into the mirror at
home, pretending it is the TV camera. She has come to
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the conclusion that her eyes are very sexy and “makes love” to
the camera if you will, with her eyes. She tries to open them so
wide, that one of these days I’m afraid her eyeballs will tumble out
onto the ground. She goes right up into the camera and does this
wide eyed suggestive look while describing the floral pillows she
plans to make for the sofa. It is so fake.
Then there are the shows that aren’t necessarily about design, but
are about looking for a new home. One such show is “House Hunters”
where we get to follow a couple around as they try to find a new
home. The show has improved over the years. The people go around
with a real estate agent and view three different homes. Each has
its pros and cons and the homeowner has to decide which would work
the best on their budget. I always pick the one I’d take and it
never matches up with the people on the show. The may go into a
home with a gorgeous kitchen, swimming pool, all the amenities, then
decide that they don’t like the fence in the backyard or something
stupid like that. Anyway, the show used to have the couple choose
a home and put in an offer, then wait on pins and needles for the
offer to be accepted. The camera just happened to be filming them
when the big call came and it was always a success! This was too
fake and the producers must have realized it so now, they just have
the homeowners tell which house they chose and show how they’ve
settled in months later. I think this is one that Dick really
hates, he can’t figure out what fun it is to see people walking
through houses, but that’s my idea of fun. I’d love to go to open
houses just to see the house, even if I had no intention of buying
it. On the same idea, but with some designing thrown in is
“Designed to Sell” in which homeowners haven’t had any luck selling
their home, so they have a real estate agent come through and really
trash talk their house, then a designer comes in with $2000 to spend
and really spruces it up. I like this show…I always like to see how
stupid and sheepish the people feel when the see how crappy their
house really looked and how good it looked with a bit of effort.
And now, for the moment everyone has waited for…no, not the end of
my column…it’s the announcement of the best, and I mean THE BEST
designing show on any channel, anytime, anywhere. “Divine Design”
with Candice Olson…she is the best…I bow down to Candice. If I were
able to choose one famous person to meet, it would be Candice, (or
maybe author Sophie Kinsella, but that’s another column). She never
disappoints. Her designs are so cool, so modern and contemporary,
and always unique. I can’t say enough good about her. She’ll get
to her client’s house and they tell her what is wrong and how the
room needs to function. I will wonder what in the heck she can do
with that mess, but by the end of the half hour (and it should be an
hour long in my opinion) Candice has worked a miracle. The thing
is, though, they never tell how much money was spent and I’m sure it
was A LOT, but at least they are left with something awesome that
was worth every penny. Candice Olson actually came to Sioux Falls
recently and appeared at a furniture store. I about crapped my
pants when I heard it on TV…I wanted to go so badly, but didn’t know
anyone who would want to go with me and it was on a weekday night,
so I had to miss seeing her in person.
So there you have it. Now my secret home life has been revealed for
all to see. No more pondering the question, “I wonder what Marcie
does when she’s not delivering mail or listing stuff on eBay?” I’m
afraid I’m pretty boring. Designing shows and Paula Deene…eBay and
books. That about covers it. As Candice always says at the end of
her show, ‘That’s Divine!”
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